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The Shit List

THE "GHOST" SHIT 

The kind where you feel that SHIT come out, see SHIT on the toilet paper, but there's no SHIT in the bowl. 

THE "CLEAN" SHIT 

The kind where you feel SHIT come out, see SHIT in the bowl, but there's no SHIT on the toilet paper. 

THE "WET" SHIT 

You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin your underwear with those dreadful skid marks. 

THE "BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE" SHIT 

You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. 

THE "SECOND WAVE" SHIT 

This SHIT usually happens when you've finished, you pants are up to your knees, and suddenly realize you have to SHIT some more. 

THE "CORN" SHIT 

No explanation necessary. 

THE "LINCOLN LOG" SHIT 

The kind of SHIT that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. 

THE "NOTORIOUS" SHIT 

The kind of SHIT you have in the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. 

THE "GEE I REALLY WISH I COULD" SHIT 

The kind where you want to SHIT but, even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. 

THE "POWER DUMP" SHIT 

The kind that comes out so fast that you barely get your pants off before it starts. 

THE "LIQUID PLUMBER" SHIT 

The kind of SHIT that is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from The Lincoln Log SHIT). 

THE "SPINAL TAP" SHIT 

The kind of SHIT that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways. 

THE "PORRIDGE" SHIT 

The type of SHIT that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. 

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT 

When you drop lots of cute, little, round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. 

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE" SHIT 

Also sometimes referred to as the "TOXIC DUMP". Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air. 

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT 

Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe it now, it's going to smear all over the place. 

THE "I'VE JUST DIED" SHIT 

The type of SHIT that feels like you're giving birth to a porcupine out of your asshole. 

THE "TITANIC" SHIT 

Sinks as soon as it hits the water. 

 

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