Monty Python's Cheese Shop Sketch
(a customer, John Cleese walks in Michael
Palin's National Cheese Emporium. There is an man playing an annoyingly
monotonous piece on the bouzouki in the corner )
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the
National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public
library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh
Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
Owner: Peckish, sir?
Customer: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
Owner: Ah, hungry!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to
myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my
Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance
to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
Owner: Come again?
Customer: I want to buy some cheese.
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about
the bouzouki player!
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who
delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer
Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese
please, my good man.
Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red
Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end
of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout
yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Owner: Ah! ........ It's beeeen on order, sir,
for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Red Windsor?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke
Customer: Ah. Stilton?
Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?
Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
Customer: White Stilton?
Customer: Danish Brew?
Customer: Double Goucester?
Owner: <pause> No.
Customer: Dorset Bluveny?
Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port
Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?
Owner: Ah!...........We have Camenbert, yessir.
Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de
la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll
like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is.
Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! <pause>
Customer: What now?
Owner: The cat's eaten it.
- Customer: <pause> Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
Customer: Case Ness?
Customer: Smoked Austrian?
Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?
Owner: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese
shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Owner: Oh!...........I thought you were talking
to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
Customer: Greek Feta?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
Customer: Paper Cramer,
Customer: Danish Bimbo,
Customer: Czech sheep's milk,
Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.
Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it
around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most
popular cheese in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: <slight pause> and what IS the most
popular cheese 'round hyah?
Owner: 'Illchester, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in
Customer: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?'
he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir...
Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying
that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI
Owner: Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I
suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the
first place. Tell me:
Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact
got any cheese here at all.
Owner: No...........Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately
wasting your time,sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have
to shoot you.
Owner: Right-0, sir.
-The customer takes out a gun and shoots the
Customer: What a senseless waste of human life.
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