RON wins by a landslide

 

Perhaps, after following my column for several weeks (assuming you are a regular reader), you are wondering where I stand politically. I realise that this is unlikely, but for the sake of argument please bear with me.

 

I am constantly flitting between left, right and centre. I am a capitalist, in that I want to make lots of money to buy a baby-blue TVR and my own private highway to drive it on, but I am also very liberal. I believe in free speech and reduced prices on everything else. I believe in equal opportunities for minorities, the handicapped, women and people of below average height. I dislike political parties because, unlike cocktail parties, they provide no alcohol, and I find politicians comical, apart from when they are telling a pack of reporters or a herd of sycophantic party members a joke that wasn’t funny when their great grandparents told it the first time round.

 

I do not like it when our politicians spend a whole evening bickering and moaning at each other like a bunch of flatulent old women then are seen, days later, cracking jokes and laughing together somewhere else. I want to see them holding their fort, fighting the good fight, if need be to the death. I want them to be slamming their fists and screaming at each other, not sharing a drink and smiling to the cameras. That would be real commitment.

 

So now, when I go to vote, I draw smiley faces on the voting sheet. You’re only allowed to vote for people, not against them.

 

I think our election system should be based on that of my university’s student union. It was a good system- after all, I was elected union environment officer under this system, because people recognized my true worth. And when I say people I mean the couple of hundred Cypriot students who turned out en masse to vote for me.

 

Under this system, there would also be an extra option to vote for, a box signifying you wanted to re-open the nominations, affectionately known as RON. RON was very popular and even won a few elections, but unfortunately for him, the results were always annulled and the elections re-held until someone else won.

 

I think RON would do well in Cyprus. Given that the ridiculous law on compulsory voting is not being enforced as it once was, his chances may have been diminished but I think he’d still win a few.

 

We need someone like RON. He would not cry on live television and he would not attempt to perform death defying feats in front of the cameras. RON would not tell us jokes older than a Galapagos tortoise and expect us all to laugh, nor would he turn up at the opening of an envelope just to appear on the news. RON would simply get on with the job.

 

Some of you may be shaking your heads in disagreement. You might be thinking “Nobody is better than our politicians”, Perhaps you are right. But since the elections can’t be held if Nobody is on the ballot sheet, I think we should be allowed to vote for RON. He can’t be any worse than the current lot.

 

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