The Quotable Dispatch




On Christmas turkey:

Turkeys hate Christmas. Right now, turkeys the world over are cursing Christopher Columbus for discovering the New World (meanwhile geese have built a shrine to him- that is where they fly to for the winter).


On small children:

Toddlers hear next to nothing, unless you mention chocolate. Some people complain that talking to a three year old is like talking to a brick wall. It is not- a brick wall doesn’t stain the carpet with cookie crumbs


On philosophy:

As a great philosopher of the modern era said: “Don’t Imitate. Innovate”. I believe that was Hugo Boss.


On Cypriot realities:

Half of the old people of Cyprus live below the poverty line. The other half are in politics.


On New Year’s resolutions:

First we might change our resolution from “I will not fall asleep on the job” to “ I not fall asleep on the job every day”, then to “I will try not to fall asleep on the job all the time” and finally to “If I cannot stop falling asleep on the job, I must find a job not involving trucks or heavy machinery”.


On the post-Christmas season

The only thing that seems to make sense to me is to put my throbbing, aching brain in an ice bucket and leave it there till February.


On US politics, predictions:

October: George Bush declares war on Iowa before being told that technically Iowa is part of the United States. He then corrects himself by saying “Sorry, I meant Idaho”.


On mobile phones:

The people I know only ever call me on my mobile phone which means I must have my mobile phone with me at all times, in case they need to reach me on my mobile phone for something important, such as asking me why I never answer my mobile phone.

Unfortunately, many times a week, the battery of my mobile phone is dead. The rest of the time it is, of course, dying, unless I put it on the charger at home, which I must do in case the battery dies before someone can call me up to ask me why I never answer my mobile phone- the answer is “Because I left it on the charger at home”.


More on mobile telephones:

My only requirements when buying my telephone were (a) does it make phone calls? (b) does it receive phone calls? and, most importantly, (c) does it come in a nice blue colour?


On dogs:

So what should you feed your dog? Here are some ideas:

1.       Pedigree Chum, dog biscuits and those nasty smelly dried foods.

2.       All your leftovers

3.       The neighbour’s cat


On politics:

I am a capitalist, in that I want to make lots of money to buy a baby-blue TVR and my own private highway to drive it on, but I am also very liberal. I believe in free speech and reduced prices on everything else.


On weddings:

Weddings begin at the planning stage- a date is set, the church is booked, the catering arranged, the flowers are ordered, the costs are calculated and the couple’s parents realise they might have to sell a kidney to pay for it.


More on weddings:

I have attended many weddings, and it has given me an idea of how I want to hold my own. First, I have to find someone willing to marry me, of course. I want a small wedding with close friends and relatives. Then, after the reception, I want to set off on a dream cruise with the love of my life. Hopefully, this will also be my wife.


On bread-fondling:

I have nothing against bread fondling in the privacy of one’s own home, with a consenting loaf of bread, but I do not think it is appropriate in public.


On Baby on Board signs:

I do not look at the car in front of me and think “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t ram into him after all. Looks like he has a Princess on board”.


On children's musical tastes:

My niece enjoys children’s songs and dance music, while my nephew is more of an intellectual- he likes to relax to the soothing sounds of Vivaldi and Saint-Saëns. He also likes Barney the Dinosaur.


On cars:

I am happy with it and it has everything I need, such as tires, a steering wheel and a CD player. I understand it also has an engine.


On election promises:

We intend to change this country, for better or for worse, and I hereby announce my intention to stand in the Presidential elections, whenever they are, and to keep on standing until I am elected or until I die or both.


On men and their slobbery:

If it weren’t for women, most men would have one suit, one tie, a pair of jeans and fifteen T-shirts. We would wear trainers at dinner parties and walk around the house in our underwear, only slipping on a pair of jeans and flip-flops to drive down to the shops to buy beer, which would be one of the few things we would keep in our fridge.


On men who try to dance

There are many dance styles we can demonstrate:

·         The generic slow dance, where we pull our partner left and right and tread on her toes repeatedly.

·         The generic slightly faster dance, where we try to make up for our lack of technique by bopping our heads up and down and shaking our fists.

·         The generic really fast dance, also known as the ‘headless chicken’.

·         All of the above. Together if possible.


More on men who dance

There are also men who will dance at rather than with other people. Most men have actually exhibited this form of dancing at some point (usually after a few drinks). It is excusable to an extent, but if they have to call paramedics every time you get on the dance floor then it might be better to sit back down.


On Barney the dinosaur:

If Barney was a real T-Rex he would be eating those children, not singing “I love you” to them. But Barney is just a really annoying man in a silly purple suit who bounces around the soundstage. 


On hair:

Human hair is a fascinating material. I have read that it is made of protein and it is as strong as steel. It would be nice if my body could use the protein to build up some attractive pectoral muscles, especially since the summer is coming, but no, it is more interested in using it to produce hair around my bellybutton.


On wine:

My response to wine has usually been one of either “I like it”, “It tastes like **expletive deleted**” or merely “It’s okay”.


On chopsticks:

In truth, most of us probably struggled the first time we picked up the sticks at a Chinese restaurant and thought “Gunpowder, paper, the Great Wall, five thousand years of civilization; you’d think they’d invent a fork”.


On table etiquette and eating properly:

Life is too short to debate on how to eat properly, anyway- why can’t they just leave the food in the pot and hand me the ladle?


On walking:

I don’t even walk any great distances anymore, preferring instead, like most Cypriots to get into my big, gas-guzzling car and drive whenever I want to go to a shop, seeking to find a parking spot as near as possible to the shop and preferably in it. This is why they lower the shutters when they see me coming.


On computers:

Computers are very good at things like finding the square root of pi to a thousand decimal places but they are less good at offering you friendly advice, For example:

“So, do you think I should call her tomorrow or is that too desperate?”

“’So’ did not return any matches. Please search for a different term”.


More on computers:

Computers are useful and they can hold as much information on their disks as a whole library, but there are several things that they cannot be used for. You cannot swat a fly with a keyboard like you can with a magazine. You can’t put your cordless mouse under a table leg to stop it wobbling as you might with a book.  You cannot use a monitor to press wild flowers, if you’re into that kind of thing.


I can also vouch that silicon chips aren’t quite as good to eat as taco chips (Don’t ask me how I know- it’s a long story, but the restraining order was really unnecessary, I think).


Even more on computers:

Computer dating is another thing that cannot work. Would you marry a computer? I can imagine the conversation during dates would be somewhat tiresome:

“So what kind of music do you like?”

“Fatal exception error at O352E00xx. All unsaved data will be lost.”


On deep fried pizzas and Mars bars

Apparently in some parts of Scotland, where, as I understand, the heart attack rates are amongst the highest in Europe, taking something that is loaded with fat and calories, plunging it in batter and frying it is considered a good idea.


On haggis-related mythology

As everybody knows, the Scottish Haggis is a furry little animal that is native to the Highlands of Scotland. Little is known about it apart from the fact that it has two legs shorter than the other to enable it to scamper up the hilly slopes, where it feeds only on heather. It is prized for its delicious meat.


On drinking and hangovers

Ever since the discovery of alcohol as many as six thousand years ago, the only search more intense than that for the perfect drink has been that for the perfect hangover cure.


On the Easter Bunny

The idea of an Easter Bunny bringing eggs (or laying them in the ground for children to find) is somewhat strange though. Where does the rabbit get the eggs? How does it know where the children live? What does it do the rest of the year?


On the World Cup (spoof interview)

Q (The Dispatch): How do you see the England team this year?

A (Nick McPaddywhack): Well, usually I go down to the pub. Our television is very small and the wife complains about my smoking in the house.

Q: You smoke cigarettes, then?

A: No, fish. Usually haddock.


More football fun

Q: What I mean is how would you rate England’s chances in the World Cup?

A: They look good on paper. Unfortunately, they are less impressive on grass, which is where I understand most football games are played. Paper teams win paper cups.


And still more soccer spoofery

Q: Okay. And who will be winning the World Cup?

A: I believe it will be a football team.

Q: Can you be more specific?

A: Well give me a clue. Who’s in it?

Q: There are 32 teams. Shall I name them all?

A: No, no, but I believe it might be any one of possibly up to 32 contenders. Then again, I could be wrong.

Q: Indeed. What about Holland? How does Holland grab you?

A: Who is Holland and why should he grab me?


On football fans and violence

After all, flair is so much better than flares, is it not?




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