Just for kicks


The World Cup will soon be on everyone’s minds. It’s on mine already- I find it helps in taking my mind off the elections (which are almost as far ahead as the World Cup but are being discussed over and over again as if they are tomorrow).


For this reason, I requested and was granted an exclusive interview with Nick McPaddywhack a former football manager and expert that I have just made up. Mr McPaddywhack, a former manager of the Welsh clubs Llangilfcudhlly Town, Fliglligydullfyn United and Llonllyn FC was not just the only person willing to take my calls but also, when I suggested that £100 should just about cover his teleconferencing expenses and compensate him for his time, told me “Could you make it fifty? I can send you cash next week”.


What follows is a transcript of our conversation. If it all seems made up, that might be because it is. Still, some of it has been inspired by real quotes from football managers past and present.


Q (The Dispatch): How do you see the England team this year?

A (Nick McPaddywhack): Well, usually I go down to the pub. Our television is very small and the wife complains about my smoking in the house.

Q: You smoke cigarettes, then?

A: No, fish. Usually haddock.

Q: What I mean is how would you rate England’s chances in the World Cup?

A: They look good on paper. Unfortunately, they are less impressive on grass, which is where I understand most football games are played. Paper teams win paper cups.

Q: I see. And what about Germany?

A: What can you say about a nation that makes Audis? Vorsprung durch Technik and all that.  Damned it I know what it means.

Q: And Brazil?

A: It all depends on those Innio brothers, doesn’t it?

Q: Who are they?

A: Ronald and Rob Innio. Useful footballers. It must run in the family.

Q: Okay. And who will be winning the World Cup?

A: I believe it will be a football team.

Q: Can you be more specific?

A: Well give me a clue. Who’s in it?

Q: There are 32 teams. Shall I name them all?

A: No, no, but I believe it might be any one of possibly up to 32 contenders. Then again, I could be wrong.

Q: Indeed. What about Holland? How does Holland grab you?

A: Who is Holland and why should he grab me?

Q: Mr Paddywhack, it’s been interesting talking with you. Thank you and goodbye.



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