Compute this!


Computers have changed our lives. Projects that took several hours to complete now take just a few, provided you know how to use a PC, provided your system doesn’t crash, provided you don’t forget to save your data and provided you don’t forget wherever it was that you saved it.


Computers are very good at things like finding the square root of pi to a thousand decimal places but they are less good at offering you friendly advice, For example:

“So, do you think I should call her tomorrow or is that too desperate?”

“’So’ did not return any matches. Please search for a different term”.


But computers can be fun. What better way to waste several hours of your life while pretending to work than trawling through cyberspace reading about people’s chewing gum wrapper collections or keeping up to date with the latest news from around the world before spending half an hour trying to recover after a system crash?


Computers will crash at the most inopportune times. They will always crash when you are about to demonstrate something important to someone. They will always crash whenever you are in a hurry. Sometimes they will lull you into a false sense of security, but, sooner or later, your screen will freeze, your pointer will refuse to budge and you’ll be pressing Ctrl-Alt-Del like a maniac. Then, just before the blue screen of death, you get that error message, you know the one I’m talking about. It’s the one that says something like ‘Illegal operation at U00zvR04X’.


Now why is it illegal? Some first-time users are likely to think that the FBI are going to be storming through the door before the week is up. But I think Bill Gates, who has more money than most of Africa put together, is just playing around with us.


Computers are useful and they can hold as much information on their disks as a whole library, but there are several things that they cannot be used for. You cannot swat a fly with a keyboard like you can with a magazine. You can’t put your cordless mouse under a table leg to stop it wobbling as you might with a book.  You cannot use a monitor to press wild flowers, if you’re into that kind of thing.


I can also vouch that silicon chips aren’t quite as good to eat as taco chips (Don’t ask me how I know- it’s a long story, but the restraining order was really unnecessary, I think).


Computer dating is another thing that cannot work. Would you marry a computer? I can imagine the conversation during dates would be somewhat tiresome:

“So what kind of music do you like?”

“Fatal exception error at O352E00xx. All unsaved data will be lost.”


Of course I am joking. But it’s undeniable that computers help us in so many ways. In fact, had my computer not crashed before I saved it, I could have provided you with a list of them. 



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