Brave predictions for 2006

 

The year is now 2006. Who would have thought? Fifty years ago it seemed like half a century away. But now it’s here, which means that we have to get used to dating our cheques correctly again.

 

And so to celebrate the fact that this little rock we live on has zipped around the sun once more, I’ve had a look at my ‘Cristall Vodka’ bottle to come up with some bold predictions for what the New Year might bring. You read them here first.

 

January

·         Surviving turkeys the world over heave a sigh of relief.

·         Magazines across the world produce their lists of the highs and lows of 2005. One dysfunctional local columnist makes up a list of predictions for 2006.

·         The manager of a bottom-of-the-table club promises not to wash until his players win a game

February

·         Seven footballers at one bottom-of-the-table club hand in their transfer requests.

March

·         A political discussion on a terrestrial Cypriot channel runs to 47 hours and 32 minutes, beating the world record set by the Oscars a few days earlier. Subscriptions to cable and satellite channels double.

·         On the sports pages, one major story is headlined “They made me shower at gunpoint”.

April

·         A man caught by the police robbing a bank in Lakatamia drops his gun and shouts “April Fool”.

·         A newscaster nearly falls down the steps of the CyBC news studio. Viewing figures soar over the coming weeks.

May

·         The Cypriot Parliamentary elections set an all-time low for voter turnout. The losing party claim that had more people turned up, they would have won more seats. In the Limassol Dispatch, this columnist makes fun of them.

·         After the CyBC suggests that the Cypriot entry is “good enough to win”, Cyprus comes last in the Eurovision Contest, prompting BBC presenter Terry Wogan to go into a laughing fit which requires him to be hospitalised.

June

·         A new law is proposed to make it illegal for people to smoke in the street. It is abandoned. Instead, the MPs vote to have their salaries doubled.

·         A vengeful baboon escapes from Limassol zoo, wreaking havoc by breaking into kiosks, stealing peanuts and then throwing them at little children.

July

·         More people call in sick during this month than any month since 2004. Nothing to do with the World Cup of course.

·         A Cypriot-American scientist declares that he has proven empirically and beyond doubt that Cyprus is the centre of the universe.

August

·         A book entitled “Cyprus- The Center of the Universe” is released. It sells well, but only in Cyprus.

September

·         The total news coverage on all channels of school children being asked about their first day of the school year is timed at 44 hours and 17 minutes.

·         Teachers across Cyprus go on strike demanding that they be interviewed too.

October

·         George Bush declares war on Iowa before being told that technically Iowa is part of the United States. He then corrects himself by saying “Sorry, I meant Idaho”.

November

·         People begin preparing for Christmas. Turkeys decide to go into hiding.

December

·         Columnists and editors start compiling their lists of the ‘highs and lows’ of 2006

 

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