Bored of “On board”

 

I am still waiting for someone to explain to me the precise purpose and usefulness of those “Baby on board” signs that people stick on the windows and rear windshields of their cars. Do they actually work? Are there people out there who are actually planning to crash into a car and then notice the sign and change their mind?

 

Let me be honest to all those proud parent drivers out there: I don’t care if you have a “Baby on board”, “Princess on board” or “Angel on board”. I’m happy for you, sure, but I don’t really care on bit if you have a kid in the back or a sack of potatoes. I do not look at the car in front of me and think “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t ram into him after all. Looks like he has a Princess on board”.

 

Unless the sign is suction-cupped to the window to remind the parent driver to be careful, though I doubt it. Some of the worst drivers I have seen on the roads have “Baby on board” signs. They cut me off at turnings and run through stop signs and, I imagine are silently mouthing “Out of my way you riff-raff. I have a Princess on board”.

 

Me, I probably try to dive a little more carefully when my niece or nephew are in the car, turning more smoothly and going a little more slowly, mainly because I don’t want to scare them by driving fast, since they have a tendency to scream and I have a low tolerance for screaming.

 

Notice that I said “try to drive more carefully”. Actually succeeding in doing so is physically impossible. If you have an infant in your car, no matter how short the journey, he or she will drop something, usually a dummy but often whatever is handy, such as the sunglasses the child managed to take from you as you secured it to its seat. The object will roll under the front seat, and after plenty of yelling and screaming by the child, you will spend five minutes blindly fumbling around to find the object in question, while trying to drive at the same time. And then, once you give the object back to the screaming tot, the child will take it and drop it again. This will continue until one of you is bored.

 

A sidenote: To little toddlers, parents and relatives are even better than puppy dogs. Like dogs, we will fetch anything a child drops or throws halfway across the room. Often dogs will give up after a few times and walk off, but we persevere, thinking “Surely he won’t drop it again….Oh, bless his little heart, he has…”. Also, unlike dogs, once the children grow up, they will find that we make our own food and never want to be taken for a walk.

 

Anyway, I think they should make new signs like “ Screaming toddlers on board”. I would also like a few for when I am driving alone. You know, stuff like “Genius on board” and “Sexgod on board”. And, just to confuse people, I also plan to get tinted windows and a sign that says “Nobody on board”

 

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